Pinky Bear: Back Again

Pinky Goes Abroad: In Search of The Cosmetics Company Store

2010-07-07T23:01:00.001-07:00

Well, as far as one can go these days. Ms. Liz and I decided one more day stuck in our air conditioned homes was going to crack us. I especially needed to get out and about.

Long story short: Erik was back in the hospital on June 28th and back home on July 3rd for a third bout of C. Diff. Fast forward.

I had been in the house mostly except for a trip to Merrymead Farms July 3rd and another farm to buy some farm fresh food. I wanted to do something that wasn’t a home oriented errand—something for me.

Liz and I are fans of Richie Nickel, a beautiful young man from England who can wear any outfit from Balenciaga and performs magic with make-up. You can find him on You Tube as he reviews make-up and occasionally clothes and other fashion/beauty products. One video showed him in America in New York City and upstate where he and his American Beau went outlet shopping. One store that caught my eye and perked me up was The Cosmetics Company Store. What’s that I hear you say? It is an outlet store for Department Store Make-Up like MAC, Estee’ Lauder (which owns MAC), Bobbi Brown, etc. Department store make-up at outlet prices.

CA-CHING!

Good make-up at reasonable prices? I’m so there!

We entered in the lowest point of the Mall, which was pretty low. Franklin Mills is laid out with a Caste System layout, if you will. First you must endure the Dollar Stores and the crappy stores to make it to a point where Marshalls is a step up. As you persevere, you slowly make your way to the higher end of the Mall where you begin seeing names like Guess and Ecko. Finally, you make it towards the end and there is where the merchandise of Saks and Niemann Marcus ends up—still ridiculously priced. And considering it is nothing that most people didn’t want anyway . . . Think of it as a High End Island of Misfit Merchandise.

Getting from Dollar Land to CCS involved a good long walk, since the mall is laid out like a cattle chute shaped like a lightening bolt. Get it? Ben Franklin? Electricity? Franklin Mills? We felt like we were journeying through the Sahara Desert. Franklin Mills’ AC was not working, or more importantly not turned on. At least enough to effectively keep out the heat. As one woman confided to me as we sat sweating on a bench, passing Dasani water back and forth between us, the management was trying to stay within its budget by keeping the air on at a minimum. Enough to keep the worst of the heat at bay but not enough to keep you from falling out.

As if we were on some story book sojourn, we encountered a veteran who was sitting with his own back pack with snacks and bottled water by the only Coke Machine for miles dispensing sage wisdom on packing your own supplies. “A dollar fifty for Coke,” he sneered. Considering you can pay upwards to a $1.89 in most stores for a Coke or Bottled Water, I considered it a deal.

We stopped at Payless to quickly peruse a few things, in hopes that they had their own AC working. Not so—but I did catch a cute Spring Scarf for $5. Trying it on, I worked it with my own sense of elan and two women who were trying on shoes caught my modeling session. They began looking at the scarves with interest. “You should work here! You can really sell this stuff!” Sashay, chante!

A security guard on a Segway flitted by, seeing our woebegone looks. He directed us to the CCS. Finally, there it was! Like a mirage in the distance!

There, before me, was MAC make-up, those discontinued shades discounted at least $5 or more off the original price. All in all, I bought: 4 Eye Shadows (Cool Heat, Tilt, Vellum and Blue Flame.) Fluidline Eyeliner Gel in Silver Stroke, 1 Tapered Blending Brush (224 Brush) Shape and Perfect Brush Set (168,187,194,212,275 SE) with matching cosmetics and brush bag, Eye Kohl (Feline)and Tendertone Lip Balm (Tread Gently). A pretty good haul of around $200. of product for around $138.

Had I not been sweating like a pig, I would have looked through the whole store to see what they had to offer. But for the most part, I was thrilled.

Sure, it is a frivolous purchase but it made me feel better. I don’t drink anymore, never cared for drugs and don’t gamble; this is my vice—make-up. Even if I don’t get out much as I have before, like Little Edie in Grey Gardens, I can stay at home and do my face and entertain Sully and Puli with my rendition of Tea For Two.

Ms. Liz and I wrapped things up with a supper at Ruby Tuesday’s (Yes, I know, kids—I can hear you gasping) which was reasonably cool and had plenty of Iced Tea and Water. Not the usual haute Cuisine I have been used to in the past for sure but I was happy. We made our faces up and laughed and talked about our trip. You can’t buy that in a store, kids.

Good make-up, a good friend to share things with and a salad bar stocked with deliciously chilled veggies and I was happy and grateful. It has been a shitty year and all but here was a bright moment. Erik still loves seeing me in make-up. He loves me being myself and I love that he has never tried to crush me or make me conform to some hideous Straight Acting/Straight Appearing Mainstream Gay Hell. I call that a win.

Standing In A Swimming Pool Painted Black

2010-06-27T18:27:00.001-07:00

I think it was sometime after Brad OD’ing on heroin on October 9th, 2008 that I sort of began a slow decline back into the deepest pit of depression. After all, he and I had shared our “Christmas” stories, as I call them—tales from our emotionally scarring and disturbed childhoods. I had always been attracted to people who had similar backgrounds to me. When I thought of him dying on an OD and bleeding out I would go numb and cry. There are so many people I had known in my life who never made it very far past their thirties. It was another blow.

As fall set in and winter came, I could feel the familiar patterns setting in. The feeling of blackness, deep depression closing in. Your world seems to get smaller and more enclosed. You get number and more used to being numb and sad. You start to sink and no longer care anymore.

As I look back, I began to feel like the shrink I had wasn’t really helping. I began to drift along in my own therapy, never really feeling as connected. She had this style that was more strictly business. I can tell you that business has never been my style. I am creative, think and feeling. I am not a one to be in a therapy session that is more driven with an agenda. I should have told her that and asked for another doctor.

Being on Disability and relying on Medicare means that you have to take what you get. And now, I feel I can speak on this more openly: Jefferson didn’t accept Medicare and would not accept Medicaid as secondary insurance for therapy. They had their reasons which I see now they could have worked around as my present health system does. The only reason I was there and getting therapy was because I had a lawyer who had negotiated with them. However, the time was running out.

A perfect storm was brewing between my mental state and Mid-Life Crisis combined with a nose dive in the economy and dwindling services. There are parts of 2008 and 2009 that I can barely remember.

I was trying to pull up and do something. Things began to feel more and more like walking up hill dragging a herd of elephants behind you. I would sometimes blog but didn’t feel into it as much. Most times, I felt very empty and alone.

Physically, years of being heavy and diabetic were catching up to me as neuropathy began to take hold of my feet. Walking was getting more painful. My feet hurt horrendously and sometimes I felt like I had my foot in a nest of hornets. I began getting limited.

Performing in the Dumpsta’ Players was causing me even more pain then I could deal with. One show would keep me in bed for a day and a half with severe pain and stiffness. In pain, the pleasure of performing was hardly worth the pain. I felt shittier losing my one outlet that I had.

This was leading up to last summer. The summer that things began coming due.

To be continued.

The Bitch Is Back

2010-06-26T07:22:00.001-07:00

Well, what a strange trip it has been. It has been a long trip deep into a bleak depression, changes, going to the brink of hell and back and now starting back again where I was when I first started this blog. Here I am.

Stay tuned, the first new post will be coming.

Auf Wiedersein

2009-06-14T23:12:00.000-07:00